This Could Be...The One Moment That Matters.

About two years ago, I was going through my sister Travette’s things, some time after her death. My sister was exceptionally sentimental, and I was doing my best to take great care to preserve things that would have been meaningful to her.

Suddenly, I was overcome with a feeling, akin to taking a baseball bat to the heart. I imagine it was the essence of grief...perhaps sorrow...and it literally dropped me to my knees. I kneeled there, sobbing uncontrollably. I’ve never told anyone about that, and the only two people on this planet other than me who know about it are the two people who witnessed it.

Today, while riding my bike, the same thing happened. Exceptionally inconvenient, I sat down on a nearby curb and let the tears flow. I guess I needed a good cry.

It always feels so weird. I’ve lived my life as a pillar for people to lean on. I’ve always prided myself on my ability to support and uplift those around me, but I think sometimes it escapes me the weight of it all, and often times, you have to stifle yourself in some ways to best support those around you. I’ve done that my entire life. I’ve always been an ear, a shoulder, an arm. It’s a role I take great pride in. It’s simply a facet of who I am.

But, there is so much weight in the air, in the mind, and in the heart. I find myself wishing I had forgiveness to offer, but I can never seem to conjure it. I wish I was more grateful for having a job and a home, but the feeling constantly alludes me. I wish I wasn’t angry all the time, but...here I am.

I came downtown this evening to stand in solidarity with the young activists fighting for a better tomorrow. I stood by for a while, but I just don’t have the emotional or mental currency to be of use.

I think the cry tonight was triggered by a song I was listening to. I’m not religious, and would likely identify as agnostic, but it’s a beautiful piece. It resonates inside of me for whatever reason, and perhaps offered a release I needed.

Definitely give it a listen. Maybe it’ll serve to help someone else out this evening. Maybe it will offer you a moment that matters.

“Holy Water” by We The Kingdom & Tasha Cobbs Leonard

Official Video for "Holy Water (Church Sessions)" by We The Kingdom & Tasha Cobbs Leonard