Memorial Day 2021

A friend and fellow veteran posted on Facebook today,

“After many years i have come to the realization that there is nothing to be Happy about on or about Memorial Day/weekend. It is a #rememberthefallen kind of day.”

Get out of my head man. I don’t think I could have summed up Memorial Day any better.

I thought as a veteran, the growing years between me and my service would make things easier. But then again, when is death ever easy? I think I thought as the years progressed, the emotional ties to those experiences, those memories, would become less pronounced, and less….painful?

But I was wrong. Let me tell you that survivors guilt is a real thing. I also find that as the years pass, my emotional triggers to my military service become more pronounced, and the weirdest things will leave me weeping quietly…

…like Top Gun. Yes, I cried to to the movie Top gun yesterday. If you’re familiar with the movie, it was the last fight scene of the movie, and Maverick can’t get past his memories of his last flight with Goose, and he locks up and can’t engage in the fight. While I can’t necessarily relate to the exact situation, I can relate to the emotionality of the event…

…which brings us to Memorial Day. Another friend and fellow veteran posted a video yesterday, which I shall share below, that reflected on our deployment. We deployed with the 33rd IBCT (Infantry Brigade Combat Team) as part of Combined Joint Task Force Phoenix VIII.

I’m ashamed to admit that I had not realized that the Task Force lost 43 people. I was and am still familiar with the 18 lost from Illinois specifically. So much of that 9 months is a blur for me at this juncture.

The first two casualties of our deployment were friends of mine though, and I remember that shocking news. Not that the situation that we were in weren’t real (the first attack on the base I ever experienced made things all too real for me. The first time I felt the concussion of a mortar through my chest, I knew my life was forever changed), but there is something about that first news of soldiers being killed in an IED attack, and then getting the notice that it was two of ours, my units. I don’t remember having a roll call for Sgt. Joshua Harris and SSG Jason Vasquez, but I am sure we did.

If you’ve never endured the final roll call for a fallen soldier…man. It’s tough. I’ve watched several the past two days, and I’ve cried at each and every one. I imagine that is something that will never not bring me to tears. Just the site of a battlefield cross gets me misty eyed. I recommend checking out the battlefield cross link to see an article on the history of that. Also, here is a great essay specifically about the final roll call.

I do remember not wanting to get back into that truck, at the time we were rolling Humvees, which were terrible not only on Afghan terrain, but terrible when it came to IEDs, or Improvised explosive devices. The Humvee had a flat bottom, so the truck would take the full blast of explosives coming from underneath. I had the experience of going to Afghanistan when casualties were climbing. Insurgents had figured out the peril of the humvee and IED’s, as well as additionally effective weapons like explosively formed projectiles (EFP) and the works. I remember everyone becoming vocal about the safety of missions using the Humvees, and while I couldn’t accurately recalling the time in between, getting MRAP’s what seemed like fairly quickly. The MRAP’s felt more secure (in some ways), and they had V-shaped bottoms, designed with IED’ in mind, and the bottom would dissipate the blast. I’ve seen MRAP’s take IED blasts…seems like the most that would happen was the wheels would pop off. I was once told by a soldier who was in an MRAP that took an IED blast that it felt like someone was shoving a flaming shoe im your asshole. I’m so glad I can neither confirm nor deny.

A little over a month later we got news of another casualty, “Sgt. Kevin Grieco,” whom I didn’t know personally but some of the other guys did.

I remember some of the other reports of fallen soldiers coming in. By then, as time had passed, you became a bit more guarded to things. Anything was possible. I knew that by the time I’d heard about Sgt. Scott Stream, whom I’d had the pleasure to get to know in training. By the time we got word of the death of Sgt. Simone Robinson…man, we were all looking to getting back home. If I recall correctly, her unit was hit by a car bomb. I didn’t know Simone personally, but we can from the same armory. We’d spoken before and ran into each other all the time. But it was another reminder that each day you went out the wire, anything was possible. I rolled with two combat teams, more times than I could count. How lucky I was.

When I got home, I only had 3 months or so left on my contract. I did the outprocessing stuff, the therapy and group conversations about what we’d just experienced, but I was done. I considered, and still consider myself, lucky, and I wasn’t going to push my luck.

Now, it feels like your job not to forget them. I can only imagine what their families have endured, and continue to endure as the years pass. Not that Memorial Day is the only day I remember those names, and faces…they deserve more than that.

I don’t think I’ll ever be one of those veterans that feels comfortable being thanked for my service. I don’t need any thanks. However, I find as the years pass, I become more and more “serious” if you will about the purpose and meaning of Memorial Day, and making sure I take some time to pay my respects.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to reconcile my personal feelings about being in Afghanistan, the why’s behind my time there, and if all those deaths, both American Military, interpreters, and Afghan military and police…if all those deaths were in vain?

I’ll say no, outwardly, because I don’t want to disrespect the sacrifices, or the memories, of those people I called friend, who made the ultimate sacrifice in service of their country. At that point, the “why” doesn’t really matter I suppose. They showed up, they signed those papers, and when someone told them to go to Afghanistan, they didn’t shirk on their responsibility.

May their memories live forever in hearts and minds of not only their families, but also those who served beside them. A small piece of them will continue to live with us.

Who are you remembering on this Memorial Day? Please put their name and any related links down in the comment section so we can all honor them for their service.

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